Tonight I decide to take it out of the box and learn how to use it. Then when it's time to weigh-in on Friday, I don't have to figure it out early in the morning. I take it out of the box, review the Quick Start guide and think I have it figured out, so I jump on. I get a weight, but then it errors out. Hmm... I must be doing something wrong. I go to read the full manual (okay, search for what I needed, but at least I was going to read part of it.) Pete has been reading the manual. He says he thinks he has it figured out, so he goes in the bathroom to try. After entering his information and a series of beeps he walks out. It worked. *sigh!* Figures!We go into the bathroom together and he shows me how it works. He entered my information and stored it. He shows me how to switch between people and what to expect. My information is up, so I step on. He tactfully walks out of the bathroom. I get a weight and it displays for two seconds. Then the scale begins it's calculation of my BMI. Error again! I walk out and pick up the book this time to look up the error code. And there it is in black and white:
Err 3: BMI calculation is out of range
Thanks! That's what I needed to motivate me. Can't even calculate! I toss the book in frustration and pick up the box and wrappers to clean up my mess. I'm not surprised, but I'm fighting back tears. I've been working so hard and now this scale that I spent money on and even spent the extra cash for the BMI calculation tells me I haven't lost one pound. I've technically gained five and I'm out of range for BMI. Great! Now what? I know I'm overweight. I truly didn't need to spend money to have a scale tell me this. I'm working on it. Isn't that worth something? Don't I get some sort of credit?
For the first time I'm honestly motivated more than I've ever been before to get the weight off and keep it off. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to for a long time. And I've done it the wrong way once and found it all again. I'm actually enjoying the activity of being out there on the bike. I'm enjoying the socialization with other riders and meeting new people. I enjoy the feeling I get when I'm cheered on by other riders. But what's the point? What's it all for if I'm just out there shaking my fat butt on a bike and not even losing a pound? I don't look good in my bike clothes. I know I don't look good on a bike. Trust me, the helmet isn't exactly an eye-catcher. The red face and constant sweating (not to mention what you smell like after a ride) isn't exactly attractive either. I enjoy spending the time with Pete. I enjoy the scenery. I worry that I'm holding Pete back from the training he needs. He doesn't get to ride as fast, to get his heart rate up, and he's riding shorter distances because I can't do 50-70 miles yet. If he wasn't sticking with me, he'd be getting a better workout and more trainning for his ride.
But what is it all for? Why am I doing this? Am I being selfish and hurting Pete in the process? Should I quit trying to push myself and just be the support I know I can be? If it's really to just be part of the great biking community, I can be the "ultimate cyclist's girlfriend". I can take photos, cheer, pass out water, create breakpoints, run pick-ups, etc. That's my nature. It's what I'm good at, and I enjoy it too, maybe even to a fault, but I like helping and taking care of others. If I can do that by passing out water, having cookies, taking photos, and cheering that's easy for me. This getting my fat butt on the bike and pedaling 20+ miles is a challenge for me. It's not easy. I have to admit my weaknesses to myself, to Pete, to others I may be riding with. I may have to thumb a lift, or ask for a pick-up. I may have to get help with a flat, or other bike repair. I cannot be self-sufficient and confident on a bike, at least not yet, and I have a long way to go before I can.
What happens if I spend the next three months continuing to train and I don't drop a pound? What happens if I pedal to the beach and my only success is raising a lot of money? And honestly, that wouldn't be a bad thing (but I'm having a personal moment here.) Yes, I know the thing about muscle weighs more than fat, but come on! At some point, you should honestly drop at least one pound. The math is there (not that I'm good at it.) If I'm burning more calories than I take in, I should start to show some weight loss. But what happens if I don't? Is it the end of the world? What then? Am I a failure at that point? Trust me, the self-talk is horrible! I know that and I try to stop it, but at some point, it just breaks through and there is no stopping it.
The media talks about how "obese" this country is. I hate that word. It's like we made "fat" a bad word and now "obese" is supposed to be the politcally correct word. It just sounds mean. It's such a qualifier. And every time they say "obese" on the news you see video of fat people in clothing that doesn't fit right, but all of their heads are cut off. How is that supposed to make us feel okay about being selected for the obese discussion on the nightly news. "I'm too heavy for them to show my face on t.v." Good grief! I know it's so as to not embarass people, or because they didn't get permission to use their image. Come on! We know we're heavy. We know we need to do something about it. It's about finding the motivation and the drive to do it. Having the support to do so and to stick with it. Quit calling us out and treating us like we're second-class citizens. We're people too. We have feelings. Trust me. It hurts and we cry. But this is another topic for more in-depth discussion another day.
A couple of big hugs and a some talking through it with Pete, I finally fall asleep. I don't know that things are much better today, but I do know I will only stay on that scale to see the weight tomorrow. I don't have the answers to all of my other questions. I don't know if I'll be alone at the end of all of this, but at this point, I'm still determined to go for it. I made the commitment for October. I'll keep pushing through until then. At that point, I'll have to re-evaluate. My next doctor's appointment is in October, so we'll see what the medical opinion is then too. For now, I'll pedal on through the uncertainty.
Goals
Today's Miles: 0
Total Miles Achieved: 210.4
Financial Investment: $863.55
Total Weight Loss: 0
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